the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
