I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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