sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
