Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
