you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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