the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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