speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
you made out with another girl for some wings
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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