my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
