I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
