id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
