Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
