please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
