I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
