Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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