i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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