If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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