It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
