So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
