We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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