Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
