You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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