If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
