if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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