Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
