I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
