last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
