Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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