Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
