I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
