I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
