Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
