who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize