I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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