I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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