I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
