I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
