totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I smell like Dick and happiness
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
