My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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