Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize