Betty ford says i'm here all night
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
