It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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