There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
