Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
