I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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