i already hear my dad disowning me
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
