I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
