We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
