I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
