You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
MIDGETS
????
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
