This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
