I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
