i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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