my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Welp...herpes.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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