i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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