Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
That's how pantless uber rides happen
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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