I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize