i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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