She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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