i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
