im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize