Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
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